“He said I didn’t spend enough time with him.”
My friend told me this as I consoled her after a breakup. This plot – boy meets girl, they go on a couple of dates, one of them feels that the other isn’t as committed to the relationship, i.e. has other interests that extend beyond hanging out 24/7, they break up – feels all too common in high school relationships. The idea that romance should usurp all else in one’s life is flawed not only because of high school heartbreak but also because it undervalues friendship.
Why do so many high school relationships end because people feel their partner isn’t committing enough? It’s not just insecurity; it has to do with the societal expectations of romantic relationships.
Codified in law is the idea that romance is the only basis of a valuable relationship. No legal status exists for close friendship, even if it includes cohabitation or mutual care. Such reality inherently puts a gold standard on sexual relationships, emphasizing that they are more important than friendships.
Beyond the law, our vocabulary doesn’t have meaningful language to describe close friendships. Colloquialisms such as “sister from another mister” or “brother from another mother” equate friendship to familial love but suggest a non-seriousness that isn’t indicative of a meaningful relationship. Other attempts to label close platonic relationships, such as “besties” or “BFFs,” also fail because they seem childish. In defending a relationship from accusations of “something more,” people continually devalue friendship, denoting their connection with someone else as “just friends.”
The inability of both our laws and language to properly value friendship results in people feeling that romantic love is the only love worth obtaining.
Even as the media presents plots in which “happily ever after” doesn’t include a prince, society has quickly closed these avenues by suggesting these characters are gay. The main example that comes to mind is the 2013 animated sensation Frozen.
When the ice queen herself ends the movie as queen of a kingdom without a king, fans speculated the character was gay. Rather than accepting a conclusion in which romantic love is not necessary for happiness, thousands of fans began to tweet the hashtag #GiveElsaAGirlfriend. When the sequel was finally released, and left Elsa once again without a romantic partner, people continued to speculate that her relationship with a briefly featured side character, Honeymaren, was more than what meets the eye.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’d love to see a major Disney princess be in a romantic relationship with another woman as much as anyone, but the forced narrative of Elsa’s homosexuality feels unnecessary. Perhaps Elsa doesn’t want a relationship at this stage in her life. Perhaps she wants to focus on riding her magic-water-ice-horse around her whimsical woods with her cute little fire-gecko for a while. Maybe in the future, she wants romance, but right now, she’s perfectly content with having close platonic friendships. Why is this conclusion not enough for our society?
In the low-stakes training grounds for romantic relationships that is high school, it is even more valuable to uphold platonic friendships. Expecting a single other high schooler to fulfill the duties of a boyfriend, best friend, homework buddy, hook up and more is unsustainable. When being in a romantic relationship, it shouldn’t be expected that this single person takes up every available space in one’s life. Relationships need breathing room, people need their friends and maybe Elsa doesn’t need a girlfriend.
